Epiphany

For reasons unknown I have managed to convince myself that I, despite my good fortune and many blessings, am a victim.

The first signs of this became clear when I was faced with the situation last semester of having a temporary surplus of spending money. I realized that regardless of the fact that I have never been left wanting, have never gone unclothed or unfed, and am entirely in control of my current financial situation, I felt "poor". I don't simply mean that I felt annoyed at not being able to splurge constantly, but I had actually convinced myself that I was on the verge of losing everything - my car, my apartment, food - at any given time. Never before had I realized how much resentment I had for those whom I perceived to be better off than myself, even when faced with evidence to the contrary.

A few months later, I began to notice that I had become a very angry person in private. I was developing a sort of road rage, cursing frequently, and was nearly always unhappy for no reason in particular. I was turning simple events that ought to have rolled off my back or been funny into great tragedies. I have always despised this sort of melodrama in others, and hope that I have not humiliated myself too much with it. I was under the impression that I was trying to think positively and the world was simply against me, which of course I found frustrating. I ended up just bottling everything inside and then exploding privately - to the point where I didn't want to be around myself. I now realize that thinking positively is not something you can force yourself into - like most good habits, it takes time and the willingness to occasionally make a fool of yourself.

Most recently, I realized that even though I may absolutely love and adore someone - a close friend or significant other - they are not free from the effects of my self-victimization. Although I wanted nothing more than for these people to have a blessed and happy life, I resented them for certain aspects of their pasts and presents. I was somehow hateful towards them for having an "easier" time with things, even though I had no proof that this was true. Worse, I discovered that at times I had less respect for them or viewed them as childish because of their blessings. Our experiences and decisions may have been different, but who is to say that mine were any more difficult than theirs? Regardless, they had no more control over their childhood than I did over my own, so how can I blame them for any aspect of it? Not to mention the fact that when viewed objectively, the people in question were very wise and responsible in the way they used their blessings.

I am horribly embarrassed by these discoveries, which is perhaps why it took a near falling-out to discover them. Even then my first instinct was to blame others - "Why didn't anyone tell me?!" - but of course this is silly. The truth is, it's all common sense. I should always be happy for those I love to have any blessings available to them. I should spend more time noting my blessings and less worrying about things I can not control. If I start the day thinking "Oh great, what will go wrong today?" then even a very good day can be made to seem terrible. On the other hand, if I view traffic as the chance to hear another favorite song, or forgetting homework as simply an "Oops!" a day that could have been annoying or stressful is perfectly fine. The fact of the matter is, I "knew" all of this - I just didn't live by it. Even if everyone I knew had told me, I would not have understood.

Long story short I am going to be a happier, more fair, understanding person. I am not going to TRY to be, I simply will be. In the wise words of Yoda: "Do, or do not. There is no try." I want to apologize to anyone whom I have victimized through my own immaturity. Please know that it was inadvertent. I ask for patience as I adjust, and for help if I fall into old habits. Thank you all for loving me and blessing me in so many ways.

~ Shelli